Edith, Billie,
I agree with you, Edith, that the first line softens the haiku and eases the
reader into the scene, and that may be a strong enough argument to keep it.
On the question of "is it needed," however, I would still say no. Billie
could tell us more what "salmonberries" mean to her and other Alaskans, but
I surfed the Web and boned up on the plant and concluded that it is a very
strong Alaskan kigo. Check out this site especially, apparently done by a
boy:
http://www.koc.alaska.edu/stmary/alaskaplants/jlo/salmonberry.html
<http://www.koc.alaska.edu/stmary/alaskaplants/jlo/salmonberry.html>
I think the version without Billie's first line works well to, though upon
rereading I might even drop "bush" (no politics intended!):
salmonberry:
the low buzz
of bees
Best,
Charlie
Charles Trumbull
<ctrumbul@eb.com>
-----Original Message-----
From: Edith MUTA [mailto:moutard@attglobal.net]
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2001 6:06 AM
To: shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp
Subject: [shiki-workshop 13285] Re: May morning/With Question
Hi, Billie, hi Charles,
If I may comment, I think, the opening line of the haiku is something like
an overture,
kind of helps setting the mood for what is to come. Haiku are short anyway
so why
making them even shorter?
I like the 'may morning' in this context very much. Step by step, we are led
into this
particular moment: Billie enjoys the may morning, her eyes (and ears) stop
on the
salmonberry bush - and accompany the bees on their busy schedule!!! Coulnd't
be better
said - at least not for me.
Whereas if we start with the salmonberry bush , couldn't this also be some
late
April day or some early June day? Well, I'm not familiar with this kind of
bush....
and I am after all only a modest amateur.
Best
Edith
-----Original Message-----
ol : Trumbull, Charles < CTrumbul@eb.com <mailto:CTrumbul@eb.com> >
^ : 'shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp' <mailto:'shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp'>
< shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp <mailto:shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp> >
"Zz : 2001"N5OEZ18" 8:23
OE- : [shiki-workshop 13283] Re: May morning/With Question
Hi, Billie,
Definitely not needed, I'd say, since your kigo and scene-scetting needs are
taken care of in the second two lines (bees and probably salmonberry). What
about
salmonberry bush:
the low buzz
of bees
Best,
Charles Trumbull
<ctrumbul@eb.com>
-----Original Message-----
From: Billie Wilson [ mailto:akwilsons@gci.net <mailto:akwilsons@gci.net> ]
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2001 5:19 PM
To: shiki-workshop@toward.co.jp
Subject: [shiki-workshop 13282] May morning/With Question
May morning--
from the salmonberry bush
a low buzz of bees
Billie Wilson
I'm wondering if I'm the only one who sometimes thinks opening
lines such as this one are almost "throw-away" to get the needed
juxtaposition. Certainly, I think for a haiku as "busy" as this
one is the the second two lines, a bland first line is needed,
but I wonder if such bland lines are all that creative.
Comments???
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